Hedwig and Snape
by Eogrus
Summary: Another old fanfic reposting. Enjoy!


AN: This is an old fanfic of mine. As you can see some major writing style differences took place since it's original publication to my current style now. Enjoy!

Hedwig went shopping for a new bra because her breasts gained life and killed the previous bra. Fortunately she had killed her breasts so that they could not kill the new bra, but they were still attached to her so no harm done. She went to Hot Topic because it was the only store that was not infested with zombies. Actually, it was, it was only that they wore THEIR clothes, so they could not be count as zombies anymore.

After mauling the entrance to death Hedwig picked a black and golden bra with diamonds. Unfortunately, the diamonds were on the inside, so only her feathered breasts could see them. So she ripped them off one by two and swallowed them. They came out as guano four and a half fractions of a second later, dirtying her pants.

"OH SHIT I BETTER NOT EAT HAGRID AGAIN!"

So she went to the bathroom and cleaned her million dollars worth mess with the head of a random blonde person. That person died because she had a chip inside her installed by the british government so that they could kill her once her head was used to clean something. Hedwig then ate that person, and tons of guano came after.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!?"

"Hullo we ur instestines wii gained lif so u must it belgian xocolatl o wei can bei furiends!"

"OH FUCK IT!"

She then stabbed herself with incense to kill her intestines, and they died. Fortunately they were still attached to her, so no harm done. She then bought her bra, but the owner of Hot Topic noticed that the diamonds were gone!

"You retarded giant owl! You cannot damage MY PROPERTY!"

Hedwig then smashed his head against a lamp post, and ate his brain. Because her instestines were dead she did not had the capcity to pop anymore, nevermore! Then came a zombie who wanted to rape her as all monsters appearently want to rape women, but Hedwig was an owl so she wasn't raped and killed the zombie with pickles. It would not have worked if she was a human woman.

Then came Ebony Dementia Dark'ness Raven Way or whatever the hell she is called.

"Ew ur a prep u giant wite wol fuk u!" said Enoby.

"OH FUCK IT YOU STUPID GOTHIC WHORE I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" said Hedwig.

So Hedwig and Egogy fought. The fight was quick because Hedwig grabbed TaEbory's leg and threw her across the universe to Japan. There she was raped but she liked it because they were gothic tentacle monsters. Meanwhile in Wales Hedwig got tired so she got out of the Hot Topic store and burned it with a flamethrower stolen from a pine tree. Everyone died and turned with roasted people, so Hedwig ate them all. She began feeling dizzy as her instestines were dead so everything she ate stayed inside, so she had to find a cure for that. She then opened her wings, and failed at flying, so she just took an airplane to Canada.

MEANWHILE IN CANADA

Caillou was playing with a Mickey Mouse toy. His mother then came to his room.

"ITS BATH TIME YOU MOTHAFUCKA!"

"No please I hate baths!"

She then bitchslapped him on the face like the abusive whore she was and dragged him by his left leg. She threw him in the bathtub, that was cold as Hell's 12th circle.

"HERE, HAVE YOUR TOYS YOU DUMBASS!"

She then threw a rubber duck, a wood toy boat and an Action Man to his head. He was knocked unconscious, and his head fell on the water. He was oxygen deprived for two hours, so he died. His parents threw his body to the garbage, which was found by Hedwig who promptly ate it. Meanwhile Rosie grew ten years in a second and gained large indigo wings.

"Hey you dumbasses I can't hear a thing!"

"So we must get you to the doctor then you stupid bitch!" said her father, who was obviously also Caillou's father.

So she went to the doctor with her mother, because dad had to have sex with his plastic doll alone. Once there Rosie was very nervous, so she hide herself beneath her mother's skirt.

"Ew you smell like codfish under here you pig!"

"SHUT UP YOU PERV!"

Then came a black male nurse.

"The doctor is ready to check you."

"Ew a nigger mom kill that stupid ass nigger!"

"SGUT UP YOU BITCH BE NICE TO THE NIGGER!"

Then they came inside, and they found out the doctor was...Dr Achima! (Hedwig's grandma you imbeciles)

"My oh my, what do we have here. Come little child, sit upon the deathbed so I can examine your ears."

"NEVER!"

"I'm afraid we have to tranquilize you then."

Rosie's mom then beat the crap out of her until she was unconscious, so Dr Achima could examine her ears. Meanwhile, Hedwig stormed into the hospital.

"I'm afraid the doctor can't see you right now" said the male nurse.

"OMG A CHOCOLATE MAN!"

Hedwig then ate the black male nurse, only to find out he wasn't made of chocolate. Still, he tasted like the best beef ever so she did not vomit then delicious person she had just eaten. She then stormed into Dr. Achima's office.

"FUCK OFF YOU GIANT OWL DUMBASS MY DAUGHTER IS HAVING HER EARS FIXED!"

"NO YOU FUCK OFF YOU STUPID FATASS LOL YOU'RE SO FATASS EVEN AFTER YOU'RE NO LONGER PREGNANT!"

They then fought, and accidently they got a medical blade up Rosie's cunt, killing her.

"OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH, I WAS SO FUCKING TIRED OF MY OWN DAughter!"

"So, does that mean I won't have my payment?"

"YES RETARDED WHEELS!"

So Hedwig took the blade out of Rosie's cunt and opened her own belly, removing thus everything she ate after the intestines died. She then did some magic on her own body and random body parts never came back to life again. So then she flew magestically back to Hogwarts, but not before setting Canada on fire.

Ze end. 


End file.
